Regrets
by Manda0704
Summary: To say Clare had regrets, well that was an understatment.


**"There's a boy here in town, who says he'll love me forever,**

** Who would have thought forever could be severed,**

** By the sharp knife of a short life?"**

** "If I die young" The Perry Band. **

To say she had regrets was an understatement.

Clare sometimes wondered even years later, if Eli had known the exact depth of her feelings. Some days looking back, she was almost certain of it. Especially when she remembered the secret smirks, and the ever present sparkle she'd catch in his green eyes when looking over at her. But other days, the bad days, she questioned how he would have known, when she herself hadn't even realized till too late.

Sometimes she'd cry all day long, because she couldn't remember the sound of his voice, or the taste of his kiss. Those were the days when she'd give anything to feel his arms around her, pulling her close. To hear his voice whispering "Blue eyes" and to see the darkening of his emerald eyes before closing hers. She would trade anything for the taste of apple and cigarette kisses from a pair of sexy chapped lips.

She wishes she would have told him just how much he'd changed her life. How one Elijah Goldsworthy opened up a world that sixteen year old Clare Edwards never knew existed. He demolished her carefully constructed world and yanked her from the comfort zone. She wishes she could or told him how he'd made her feel real, made her feel alive. From the moment he had ran over her glasses, she lived for every rule he had her breaking, every touch, every kiss, she lived for any moment with him. Clare lived, breathed, and loved Eli.

Sometimes on certain days she would glance down to the skull ring that had been a permanent attachment for the past ten years, and it would pull her back.

Suddenly she's seventeen again and she can almost feel his body above hers. His breath tickling her ear, causing shivers as he whispers " Are you sure?" for the last time. She can feel the sudden sharp pain, and see the look or complete adoration upon Eli's face. She remembers his hands all over her, and the feel of his skin underneath hers, and how complete she felt with him buried inside her. She thinks of afterwards, they'd lain tangled in a mess of sweaty limbs and silky sheets. Cuddled up next to him, she had almost missed him removing her silver band and replacing it with his own. She had been almost asleep when he wrapped his arms tightly around her and whispered "Mine" into the darkened room.

Even though most days, she didn't want to, she remembers the last goodbye. The week leading up to it had been an on and off battle for her. She didn't want to say goodbye and he'd had no choice but to go. Clare remembered the last night, the tangled limbs, and this random blanket underneath them so she wasn't lying on Morty's floor, the moans and whispered words echoing off the hearse's walls. The sight of her silver ring dangling from his neck, as he moved in her at a chaotic, frenzied pace. In the end her laying on him, covered in sweat, desperate to memorize ever little piece of him. Waking up to hard, wet kisses all over her body and the mess they made in the back of his hearse. She could still recall the clothes he'd worn and how she had made him take off and give her his Dead Hand's shirt, the same one she still kept in her top drawer.

It was like watching a homemade movie in her mind. She see's their last kiss, his hands buried in her curls and hers clinging to him for dear life. She watches him walk away , stopping at the door to give her one last smirk and a final I love you, tears brimming in his eyes. An finally like every time she watches the hearse drive away taking the one thing she'd ever loved.

On the really bad days, the ones that happen few and far between, she remembers that day. It had been warm and sunny, unusual for November in Toronto. She recalls how antsy she'd been the whole day and how uneasy she'd felt. The sound of Adam's ringtone that had startled her for some reason. Mostly she tries to forget the desperation in Adam's voice, and the sounds of his sobs, has he tried to tell her Eli was gone.

Clare was glad she remembered barely anything of the days that followed. She remembers parts of the funeral, seeing her ring still around his neck, and dropping next to the casket begging him to open his eyes. She was told later that Adam had to tear her away and carry her out.

An every fucking minute of every day since then she'd asked herself "What if?". What if she had loved him more, begged him and tried harder or done more to make him stay. Maybe then Eli would be alive, and maybe she'd be more then the shell of the eighteen year old girl she once was. Maybe they would have been married now, with a dark curly-haired daughter with emerald green eyes and a baby boy that looked like his daddy with her blue eyes...

But all the what if's and what could have been never changed the outcome. Instead she's alone, living on ten year old memories and grieving over a boy most have forgotten.

So to say Clare Edwards had regrets was an understatement. She has plenty, mostly involving a green eyed, hearse driving black haired boy. But there Os always the one thing she'd never regret, even with all the pain, devastation and years of heart break, Clare would never regret falling in love with Elijah Goldsworthy.


End file.
